In 2015, this strategy extended far beyond the actual menu. Fast-food restaurants are now trying to brand themselves onto our very existence. The familiar string of logos that line every highway is not enough. Neither is the never-ending stream of commercials. In 2015, we must be able to plug our minds into fast-food chains at all hours of the day, wherever we may be. Domino's gave customers the option of not only ordering from their TVs, or ordering with a literal button, but also tweeting a pizza emoji. Not to be outdone, Pizza Hut introduced hands-free ordering in your car. KFC offered grease-resistant keyboard trays. It's all happening.
McDonald's is vastly more conservative when it comes to introducing Frankenstein-esque culinary mashups (which we're getting to). They have to protect the integrity of the Golden Arches, after all. Instead of getting crazy with their menu, the chain opted to turn the Big Mac into a lifestyle collection.
Pizza Hut wasn't far behind, rolling out Pizza Hut freaking nail polish and pizza-flavored beer. In Hong Kong, they offered pizza box film projectors. Burger King unveiled Chicken Fries emojis, not for ordering fries but just for, like, texting your friends, because #Millennials. What else do #Millennials like? How about hipster stuff? McDonald's rebooted the poor Hamburglar into a burger thief for the 21st century. Why? Another headline. Please kill us.
And what of the actual food? It's no less ubiquitous and certainly no less disgusting. Here is the worst of what your favorite fast-food establishments introduced in 2015, ranked from least to most disgusting. Don't read on an empty stomach.
1. Carl's Jr.'s Tex-Mex Bacon Burger
2. Carl's Jr.'s Most American Thickburger
3. KFC's Chizza
4. Pizza Hut's Hot Dog Bites Pizza
This was the clear winner as far as media attention goes.
5. Taco Bell's Cap'n Crunch Delights
6. Dunkin' Donut's Snickerdoodle Croissant Donut and Caramel Cheesecake Square
2015 taught us that we have yet to see croissant-based culinary innovations reach their stomach-turning conclusion. But snickerdoodle? Why? Even worse is this sad cheesecake square, on top of which Dunkin' Donuts has inexplicably sprinkled little chocolate turd pellets. God bless the rest of your day if you can actually bring yourself to finish one of these bad boys before 9 a.m.
7. Arby's Pumpkin Cheesecake Shake
8. Papa John's Epic Meatz Pizza
9. Burger King's Black Halloween Burger
Ah, just what we've always wanted: a mold-colored hamburger bun!
10. Little Caesars Bacon-Wrapped Pizza